Wednesday, January 3, 2018

I Don't Like This

Experiencing feelings of sadness is not fun. I don't like it. Most of the time I want to resist my sadness, I want to escape it. But I am realizing I need to face it, I need to deal with it, process it, let myself FEEL it.

When I continue trying to live my life while ignoring feelings of sadness, fear or stress, those feelings tend to build up. I feel a vague sense of depression, numbness or anxiety begin to creep in.

There can be countless reasons why we experience these "negative" emotions in life. We all have them from time to time, but are they really, truly negative? If we were happy all the time, would we even realize we were happy?

When we experience sorrow, pain, suffering, hardship or anger, we can more FULLY appreciate feelings of peace, love, friendship and comfort. That is so true. Isn't it a beautiful and complex thing? How amazing is it, that our very sorrows in life help us to be happier. I think these hardships make us stronger, give us a greater depth of character and more compassion towards others.

So if we know that experiencing sadness or whatever emotion it is, is a necessary part of life, then how do we process it in a healthy way? How do we face it, rather than resist it, escape it or try to numb it?

I am figuring out the answer for myself right now.

I know I am sad about Eli, but I have been resisting my feelings. We had a huge scare with him this last week and I'm not sure that I know exactly how to deal with it. I am trying to catch this feeling of sadness before it turns into a secondary emotion like depression or anxiety.

So again, how do I process it then?
Cry.....that's the answer. I need to cry. I need to think about my pain and Eli's pain. Think about how scary it was this past week when Eli was choking for almost an hour in the middle of the night  How miserable it was watching him suffer so greatly, his white face, the vomiting and agitated movements as he panicked in his struggle to breathe. Feeling helpless as I tried suctioning his airways over and over, until he finally began to recover. I am sobbing now just thinking about it.

Write it down...I hold Eli with a sense of love, but there is still a sadness there. Whenever I look at him, I feel so bad for him. I just wish he could do the things he used to, or that I could at least make him comfortable. I hold him tight and sing to him and tell him how much I love him.

Processing my sadness this way, by crying, thinking and writing....(which honestly, I am doing as I write this) is the only thing I can do. I still feel sad, but it feels more manageable now. I don't feel that depression and anxiety building anymore. I also feel a sense of gratitude along with my sadness which I didn't feel when I started writing this post. It's ok to be sad. I have a good reason to feel sad. I don't need to resist it and I don't need to justify it. I don't need to let it over take me either.

My sweet Eli is a gift and I want to be in a good place emotionally so that I can cherish each day with him, as well as the other members of my family.

How Eli is doing:
After Eli's terrible choking incident last week, Brad and I decided to give him water only for two days and adjust his meds to see if it stopped the choking. Luckily it did. We've been gradually adding food back in, a little more each day. We started with 100ml the 3rd day after and today he had 250ml of his formula with no major issues. We will continue to up it slowly as long as he can tolerate it.

Podcast on Anxiety:
I listened to this podcast a while back and it opened my eyes to a new way of thinking. I really like the way Jodie explains things. This is an especially good episode on anxiety, describing how we can get to that point and what to do about it.
Anxiety Podcast